Where did you get a picture of my penis
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize