it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
