Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
