I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
