this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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