I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
