How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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