did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
