things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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