i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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