I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Blood and glitter go together right?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
