I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize