Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
