matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
