Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
