So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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