I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
