I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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