I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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