clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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