he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
