Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
