Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize