Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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