I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We need a shit load of segways right now
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
