Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
