My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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