Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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