i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize