Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize