He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
