Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
