It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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