Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
