Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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