Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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