So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
