why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
