I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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