Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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