Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize