the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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