im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize