her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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