I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
