I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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