sarcasm needs its own font
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
