When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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