They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
