Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
