i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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