we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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