I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
