Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
