Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
