I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize