This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
