I can tuck mytits in my pants
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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