He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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