I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My liver just had a heart attack.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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