Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
