when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
