i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
