Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
