Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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