i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
