He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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