its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
