In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
