Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
