dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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