you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
