I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
