So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
