So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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