someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize