hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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