Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
