I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
